Top 10 Ways to Waste Time at Work (Humor)

For those of us who wish to conserve physical energy and protect our brains from unnecessary thinking, wasting time at work has become an essential skill in the modern world. Scientists have shown that each of us is born with the ability to do something less taxing than the job that we are supposed to be performing, but only a few of us are capable of exploiting our natural propensity to the full. My top 10 ways to waste time at work aims to help employees realize their hidden potential for laziness and develop a consistently half-assed approach in their day to day working lives.

(For optimum effect, these tips should be read during work time. Remember also that when it comes to wasting time at work, practice makes perfect.)

This ancient method of avoiding toil is tried and tested and has been proven to be very effective over the years.  Once mastered, I would consider attempting its variant, ‘staring out of the window’.  Tip: Pretend that you were in deep thought about something work-related and very important, if challenged by your boss.

You can usually get away with doing this at least four times an hour, in my experience.  Even if you’ve read through all of your emails before, it’s worth going through them all again just in case there’s something you missed or a new email has arrived during the quarter of an hour since you last checked.  Tip: remember to sign out and close down your personal email account if you have to leave your desk for any reason, just in case your boss comes by.  You can leave your work email account open, however, with some boring report figures in full view, as that looks good.

It doesn’t matter what you talk about or if you actually like the coworker, remember that the objective is to do something other than working.  Tip: hanging out with your boss is the safest and most advanced form of this time waster at work, as you’re least likely to get into trouble for it.

It’s on every Windows computer, it’s mindless and it wastes your time.  That’s why Microsoft put it there.  Use it.

Tip: If your boss happens to walk in just as you are receiving a text, start pressing cell phone keys, pretend to be annoyed and mutter loudly: “I told her never to text me at work!”

Maybe your car is parked on a meter?  Maybe your grandma is diabetic and her blood sugar levels are  nose diving?  Maybe your pet gerbil suffers from epilepsy?  Tip: You can use the extra time you gain to smoke a cigarette, grab a quick drink, or buy some candy from a store.

This will open up numerous new ways to waste time at work, if you are successful.  Tip: make your party plans as elaborate as possible and don’t involve anybody else in the planning (that way nobody else knows exactly what you’re up to).  You then have a great deal of scope for “making arrangements” (chatting endlessly on the phone), “researching ideas and prices” (surfing the internet) and “purchasing provisions” (taking some time out of the office).

Tip: If you are not already a member of Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. consider joining them, as they are some of the most effective ways to waste time out there.

This is another classic timewaster and can be undertaken several times a day, if done properly.  Tip: Ask the advice of your coworkers and get them involved, that way you will get a variety of opinions, hopefully get a discussion going, and you can spend most of the day trying out the different desk layouts that they suggested.

Courses with titles such as Health and Safety Refresher, or Customer Quality Awareness are often good bets.  Tip: Read the background notes very carefully and ask coworkers about the course in advance.  That way you can avoid accidentally booking yourself onto a training  course where you might be made to actually work or think.